Send Her My Love
by HarmMacLove
Summary: I will never forget the tears in her eyes and the sound of her voice when I left her sitting there at the small café.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Send Her My Love

Author: Elizabeth

Pairing: Harm and Mac

Disclaimer: I don't own them.

Author's Note: This was inspired by the Journey song. Please feel free to leave your thoughts or concerns.

Enjoy!

Silence.

That is all there seems to be in my life since I left.

One year ago is the last time I saw her beautiful face, looked into her caramel eyes, and kissed her silky lips.

The evening at my apartment in Washington when we decided to spend the rest of our lives together was the best evening of my life. The first time I felt like a whole man.

She accepted the command position in San Diego and I retired to go with her. It went well the first couple of months; we started planning the wedding and talked about when we would tie the knot.

As the day to enter marital bliss continued to get closer I started to have second thoughts. Not about her, never about her. I was afraid I would not make her happy. I was afraid we would get six months into the marriage and she would realize she made a mistake marrying me.

Now when I think about it I didn't have enough faith in her. I never went to her with my fears instead I ran and never looked back. I should have had more faith.

I will never forget the tears in her eyes and the sound of her voice when I left her sitting there at the small café.

_Harm, I love you. Please stay. _

It broke my heart to see her cry and it hurt even worse to walk away from her.

I have never tried to contact her. I don't want to open up the wounds that I inflicted. I have hurt her enough.

I ask about her when I talk to Bud or Harriet.

She is doing good, considering. She is slowly moving on. She has started dating again; he is a good enough guy. Of course we won't tell her you called.

I still love her, more than ever. I don't know how I walked away from her.

I miss her laugh; it was such a beautiful sound. I miss her smile, the way it could light up any and every room. The one spot that would send shivers throughout her body. The way she said my name we made love.

I wonder what today would have been like if I hadn't walked away. Would we have had our first child? What would it have looked like? Would it have been a boy or girl, my looks and her brains or her looks and my brains? It wouldn't have mattered as long as it was with her.

I see her face in my dreams every night. I wake up in the middle of the night covered in sweat saying her name.

I hear her voice all around me all the time; it will haunt me for the rest of my life.

The sun is hot and shining down on me covering me with its radiance. I hear the distant sound of kids playing and waves rolling in as a sit here at the same café where I left her sitting a year ago.

I don't know why I came back. It would be selfish of me to ask her for another chance. She has moved on and started dating again, how can I ask for her back?

It is time for me to leave again and move on. I take on last look at this sad café and stand to leave. When I turn to walk back to my car I come face to face with the woman that has been haunting my dreams.

Her caramel eyes grow big with shock and anger flashes through them.

"_Harm_."


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Send Her My Love

Author: Elizabeth

Pairing: Harm and Mac

Disclaimer: Not Mine.

Author's Note: It came to my attention that a second chapter was in order, it wasn't my intention to go any further than the one chapter. So since most of you asked for a second chapter nicely, here it is. This is from Mac's Pov and it is her reaction to him walking away. I'm sure that some of you will ask for me to continue, we'll see about that. Thanks to Nettie, for being awesome and encouraging me and the beta-ing.

Feel free to leave your thoughts.

Thanks,

HarmMacLove

All day there has been this sense of dread filling up my body. I can't explain it or tell where it is coming from but it has been a constant feeling since I woke up this morning.

Everything was fine at work today, busier than usual but fine.

A little over two years ago Harm and I were offered different billets each sending us to different parts of the world. It was the final push we needed to decide what he wanted with me and I with him. Our lives changed in so many ways that night in his nearly empty apartment.

_Fate. It can keep us together forever. _What a load of crap.

I have been the commander of the JAG office here in San Diego for almost two years now. It is great work, but I still miss the action of the courtroom. I feel like something is missing. I know what it is but I refuse to admit it or at least tell myself that I won't.

He has been gone a year today, but yet it feels just like yesterday. We were at this small café, just him and I, taking a break from planning the wedding and all the chaos that came with it.

He seemed so happy; I never saw it coming. I didn't know he was unhappy, he never said anything. Even now I blame myself. What did I do to push him away? What did I do to make him run?

_I'm sorry, Sarah. I can't do this._

His voice still echoes in my mind. He looked in so much pain when he said those words. I hardly heard the rest of what he was saying over the sound of my heart breaking into a million pieces.

Just when I thought it couldn't hurt anymore, he stood and walked away, out of my heart and out of my life.

I haven't heard or seen anything of him since. Not a letter, an email or even a call. Even a couple of months after he left, I would try and convince myself he was just on vacation.

I buried myself in my work, if I stayed busy and didn't think about it then it wasn't real.

Denial is a bitch.

Finally about six months after he left, I convinced myself that I was over him. I agreed to go on a blind date. That is how I met Brad, Detective Bradley Michaels to be precise.

He was a good enough guy; I had no complaints. He didn't try anything too forward and was a complete gentleman. I was the problem. The whole time I compared him to Harm. He didn't have Harm's smile or Harm would've ordered a salad. Brad asked me who _he_ was halfway through our date. I guess he picked up on my being distracted.

I told him about Harm and how he walked away. Ever since then Brad and I have become close friends. It was exactly what I needed.

It has been a very overwhelming year to say the least. I don't know why I am at the same café the love of my life left me at a year ago. I guess it is to make sure I still feel something.

I feel like when he left, he took my heart with him. Now all that's there is a hole.

I know that he isn't going to be coming back. I know that now. That still doesn't stop me from missing him. I miss everything about him.

I miss his beautiful bluish green eyes and how they sparkled when he looked at me. I miss his flyboy smile and how it made my day brighter by seeing it. I miss the tender caress of his hands on my body and the sound of his voice as we made love.

Those are the things that I will always remember about him and the things that I will miss the most.

It is time to let go of all these memories and leave them at the spot where he left me.

I stand to make my way home and as I do I come face to face with one Harmon Rabb Jr.

His blue eyes meet my brown ones and the dread that I have been feeling all day hits me full force.

Shock and anger hit me one after the other and all that comes out of my mouth is,

"_Harm_."


	3. Chapter 3

I just want to let everyone know that I do plan on continuing this, however I can't promise a shipper ending. It will end nicely though. I will try to update as soon as possible, I don't have the next chapter written yet though. I can't promise it will be a fast update, because I am going to be busy the next couple of days. My grandmother passed away yesterday and we are busy with preparing to bury her. 

As for the two people that seem to know how to write this better than me, this isn't your story so lay off. I don't tell you how to write your stories, if I did perhaps they would be mine and not yours. I happen to think this is very in character for Harm, and even if it wasn't this is fanfiction and it is supposed to be au or whatever else. For those of you who think this is cliche, what isn't anymore? If you wanna blast me, do it somewhere else, I don't wanna hear it.

And finally to those of you who are enjoying this, thank you so much for encouraging me. I promise that I will finish this. Your reviews are great! Hopefully you all keep reading and reviewing! Let me know what you think!

This is dedicated to my grandmother, may she rest in peace.

Elizabeth 

_"Being apart ain't easy on this love affair" -Journey_

I watch as all the emotions run through her.

She is even more beautiful now than she was one year ago. It is almost like seeing her for the first time. She gets more beautiful with age.

All the feelings I have pushed deep inside come rushing to the surface at the sight of her. How did I ever leave?

"What are you doing here?" she asks while staring at her feet.

"I don't know. I didn't plan to show up here." That is the truth. I don't know why I showed up here. I just went out for a drive and ended up here.

"Well I will see you around. Bye, Harm." She turns around and starts to walk away.

I reach out and grab her shoulder, "Sarah, wait."

She turns back to face me and I can feel the anger rolling off her in waves.

"Don't touch me," she says pushing my hand away, " and don't call me Sarah."

"Okay, I'm sorry. Can we just talk? Please." I have no right to ask for her time or to ask her to talk to me but I have to get her to hear me out.

"Talk about what? I have nothing to say to you." She says as her eyes meet mine.

"About us." I motion for her to sit with me at a table. I take a seat and a minute later she joins me.

"What us? There hasn't been an us since you decided to walk away."

"I know, this isn't easy for me, but please hear me out. I won't take much of your time."

"This isn't easy for you? How about how I feel? You left without giving me any reason and you expected me to be fine with it. You never wrote and you never called. You just disappeared. You were a coward!"

"I was a coward? I was trying to protect you. I wasn't sure if I was it for you. I didn't want to get six months into our marriage and then you decide that I am not what makes you happy. I was afraid I didn't make you happy."

"You were protecting yourself. All you care about is yourself. I never gave you any indication that I was unhappy and unlike you if I was unhappy I would've came to you and talked to you about it. You just didn't have enough faith or trust in me to let me help. You only thought about what you wanted."

"What do _you_ want, Mac?"

"I'm out of here. I can't deal with this right now." She starts to stand but I take her hand in mine before she can.

"What do you want, Mac?" I ask her again.

"I want you to leave me alone so I can get on with my life _without_ you."

"No. What do you want the most?"

She doesn't say anything and just stares at our hands.

There is hardly anyone around and the silence surrounds me.

She looks up at me a few moments later with tears in her eyes. We stare into each other's eyes for a minute and I look away, distracted by the lone tear making its way down her rosy cheek. I resist the temptation to reach over and wipe it away.

"What I want most is the way my life was when you were in love with me." A couple more tears fall before she gets up and walks away from me.

I am speechless and I sit here as she leaves me; the same way that I left her.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: See Chapter One.

Author's Note: Sorry it took so long for me to post this. I actually didn't have it written until yesterday. I don't have any of the rest written yet. Which is where I thought you guys could help. Do you have any suggestions on what you would like to see happen from here? I will try and work them in, but I don't know what is going to happen.

If I don't update again before Christmas, Merry Christmas! I hope ya'll enjoy!

Elizabeth

He watches me carefully waiting for my reaction. I don't know what to say to him. It's been a year, a very long year.

I thought I had finally moved on, but seeing him here now, I realize that I still love him. He looks good, _really_ good. He is more muscular and he has a new tan. His dark hair is a little longer and I fight the urge to reach up and run my hands through it.

I had hoped that this day would never come, the day that my feelings would come to the surface and threaten to explode like a volcano. It took a year to tuck them way deep inside and only a moment to bring them to the surface.

I can't look him in his eyes, if I do then I will get lost, so I decide that my feet are a far more interesting option. I stare at them a moment before I ask him, "What are you doing here?"

"I don't know. I didn't plan to show up here." Something in his voice tells me that he is telling the truth.

"Well I will see you around. Bye, Harm." This is becoming too much for me so I turn and walk away.

I get about two feet away when I feel him grab my shoulder, "Sarah, wait."

When I hear him say my name it makes me angry immediately. "Don't touch me," I brush his hand away, his touch making me feel things that I don't want to feel, "and don't call me Sarah."

"Okay, I'm sorry. Can we just talk? Please." _He doesn't deserve to have me listen to his excuses. He lost that when he decided to walk away._

"Talk about what? I have nothing to say to you." I look him in his eyes, hoping he can see the anger in mine.

"About us." He motions for me to take a seat with him at this small table. He sits down and I give in a moment later joining him.

"What us? There hasn't been an us since you decided to walk away."

"I know, this isn't easy for me, but please hear me out. I won't take much of your time." _His eyes plead with me to hear him out. I knew I shouldn't have looked into his beautiful eyes. _

"This isn't easy for you? How about how I feel? You left without giving me any reason and you expected me to be fine with it. You never wrote and you never called. You just disappeared. You were a coward!" _Why does he get to be the victim here? I wasn't the one who walked away. _

"I was a coward? I was trying to protect you. I wasn't sure if I was it for you. I didn't want to get six months into our marriage and then you decide that I am not what makes you happy. I was afraid I didn't make you happy." _I am so glad that he makes assumptions about what makes me happy, why did I ever think that talking to him would be a good idea?_

"You were protecting yourself. All you care about is yourself. I never gave you any indication that I was unhappy and unlike you if I was unhappy I would've came to you and talked to you about it. You just didn't have enough faith or trust in me to let me help. You only thought about what you wanted." _You selfish bas…_

"What do you want, Mac?" _No, he isn't starting this; I don't feel like opening that can of worms again._

"I'm out of here. I can't deal with this right now." I say as I stand to leave, but he grabs my hand in his before I can turn to go.

"What do _you_ want, Mac?" His voice pleads to me.

"I want you to leave me alone so I can get on with my life _without_ you."

"No. What do you want the most?" His question takes me back to a moment in time when I asked him the same question. I think about that moment while I stare at our hands.

A few moments later I look up at him. I can feel the tears threatening to fall as we stare into each other's eyes. He looks away when a tear makes it's way down my cheek.

"What I want most is the way my life was when you were in love with me." A couple more tears make their way down my cheek before I get up and walk away from him.

There is no sound from behind me as I leave him the same way he left me.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

Author's Note: I realized that this has taken forever for me to write and longer to make this update. This story has proven to be a challenge for me. I hope that all you lovely people are still with me and still enjoying the story. I promise not to take two months to make another update as long as you keep reading. Thanks to Nettie for her support and awesome beta-ing skills! Now on with the story! Enjoy..

Elizabeth

_"Love breaks your heart...and it fades away so easily…" Vanessa Williams and Brian McKnight_

Harm's Residence

La Jolla, California

I sit in my dark apartment sipping on the same beer I have been drinking for the past two hours. The emptiness of my apartment matches the feeling in my soul perfectly and I can only blame myself for it being there.

This feeling of failure haunts me every day and night, making me feel like a prisoner in my own body. There is no escaping it, it always find me. Seldom, though, do I wallow in it as I am tonight. I can't seem to get her out of my head, her voice echoing in my brain, her touch burning my body.

When I left I actually thought I was protecting her. I ended up hurting her more than I can ever understand. I broke her heart and this time there won't be another chance to fix it, if she has anything to say in the matter that is.

I was running away, like I always do. This time I was running away of the thing I wanted the most. How could I have been so stupid and selfish?

I should not have gone back to that café. It was calling my name though.

I had no intention of going there, I was there doing my job as a Private Investigator. How was I to know that it would lead me back to her? How was I to know that it always leads back to her?

After I left, I stayed with Mom and Frank; they were disappointed to say the least. Mom has always been a big supporter of Mac and me, almost since our first case. She couldn't understand why I would leave and not even look back. I didn't have an answer for her then and I don't have an answer for her now. All I have are excuses and I know that isn't enough.

What was I supposed to tell them? I'm afraid that I'm not enough and I don't deserve her? They would have told me those were childish fears and to suck it up. Hell, I tell myself that now.

I should've asked for more time that is all I needed. Just a little time to be engaged and not rush things, to enjoy being in love was all I wanted. I wasn't getting any younger but I needed that time.

Fear. Is all that it was, nothing more, nothing less.

How am I ever going to get her back and gain her trust again?

It isn't easy breaking the love of your life's heart, but that is exactly how I made it look.

I remember the moment I realized things were going a little too quickly for my liking. I knew she was the love of my life, she still is. I knew I wanted to marry her, I still do. But I still had so many issues with commitment and it is not something, which can change overnight, even when you're with the one you love.

The jewelers had called me earlier that morning to tell me our rings were ready to be picked up at my convenience. I had stopped at a little sandwich shop before going home and after I had eaten I took a look at our rings.

They were perfect for simple gold bands. They represented my love for her and that's when I hit me. It was going too fast. What if in a year I resent her for rushing our wedding? So then and there I decided that I couldn't go through with the wedding…not just yet.

It all went down hill from there. At that little café I had not intended to walk away, I went there to ask for more time, to slow down the process. It was the look on her face, so happy and carefree, that made me realize that asking her for more time may crush her. So I opened my mouth and out spewed the complete opposite of what I had intended to say.

There was no going back after that, it was over, that was the day I saw my soul die in front of my own eyes.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: See Chapter One

Author's Note: Alrighty, seems some of you are still enjoying this, thanks for the great reviews. Here's chapter 6, let me know what you think, purdy please?? Hope ya'll enjoy:D

Thanks you Nettie for her super rad beta-ing skills, you rock girl!

Elizabeth

_When all our tears have reached the sea__  
__Part of you will live in me__  
__Way down deep inside my heart__  
__The days keep coming without fail__  
__A new wind is gonna find your sail__  
__That's where your journey starts_

_-__Tim McGraw_

How is it possible to go from shocked, hurt, in love, to angry in one second? I didn't think it was possible until I saw _him_. Why did he have to show up the one time I went back to the café since it happened?

It pisses me off that I still feel so much for him. I was getting over him and now it's like it just happened all over again.

It was like having an out of body experience, listening to him tell me he couldn't do it yet.

I felt like I was frozen, unable to move or control the things around me. I sat there watching his lips move and listening to my heart break into a thousand pieces in my ears, then watching him walk away like it was easy for him to leave his life, to leave me, behind.

All I could do was sit there, watch it happen, and take was coming my way, hell of a thing to happen to a person.

After sitting there for another hour and listening to the ocean, I went home.

I was handling it well until I walked into our bedroom. I smelled him everywhere but not as strong as in the bedroom. I broke down then, sliding down the door and crying until the tears wouldn't come anymore.

I made my way to the shower after I had calmed down some. I stripped off my clothes and turned on the hot water, wanting to burn his touch from my skin.

I stepped under the heat of the water and closed my eyes letting the water wash over my body. When I opened my eyes, his bar of soap was the first thing that I saw. A bar of soap, that is all it took to make me break down again.

After the tears subsided, anger came rushing in. I was pissed at him for leaving, pissed because the sight of a bar of soap made me cry like a baby, and pissed because crying wasn't an option and yet the tears kept coming.

After my shower, I went straight to bed not bothering with clothes. In my hand, a simple blue shirt smelling so strongly of him, I was sure he would be all I would ever smell again.

He haunted my dreams that night; his voice calling me, whispering words of love and comfort, his touch seeking me, leaving me breathless and my body singing.

When I awoke I thought it was all a nightmare until I turned over and felt the cool emptiness of his side of the bed. It all came rushing back only this time there were no tears; there would be no more tears for him.

Even though I felt like I had been run over by a truck, I got up; the shirt left almost completely under my pillow, put on my uniform, and went to work.

When I came home that night, all of his things were gone. There was no trace of him except of the scent around our house and that simple shirt still where I left it, under my pillow.

It hit me then, he was gone for good. Days kept coming even with my world gone; it was time to move on like he was doing.

If I couldn't have him, then I would be married to my work.

So, the sixteen-hour work days and longer than normal workouts began. I was a force to be reckoned with, I wasn't harsh to my staff but I wasn't a pushover either. I handled myself in the same manner and did the same things, as before, the only difference is that it was only I, not us.

It was six months before I agreed to go out on a blind date, a friend of a friend. I wasn't jumping with joy about it; I agreed to ease the growing concern of Harriet.

The date lacked the chemistry one would find in a romantic relationship but had the potential of a great friendship. So that is what it became, or rather he became.

Detective Bradley Michaels, close friend of Colonel Sarah MacKenzie, he was charming, funny, tough, and not to mention very good-looking.

Exactly the kind of man I would have wanted if I still had a heart to give away, but since my heart was AWOL, he was out of luck.

He didn't pretend to take the place of my best friend and love of my life and I didn't pretend to be interested in him, in _that_ way.

It is a good friendship; one I am blessed to have in my life.

Harm being back and so close won't change my friendship with Brad, at least that's what I keep telling myself.

When Harm finds out about Brad and vice versa, all hell is going to break loose, leaving me in the middle and dealing with the crossfire.


	7. Chapter 7

Send Her My Love Part 7

Disclaimer: See Chapter One…

Author's Note: Are ya'll still with me? Or have you moved on to something more interesting, more frequently updated…?? I hope you wonderful readers have stuck around long enough to read this…I haven't gotten much feedback since I updated last.

Anyways…Here's chapter seven. I hope to finish this sometime relatively soon, since I am leaving in September for BMT in San Antonio. I know that seems like a while away but given how busy Real Life has been, I might not be on here as much as I would like.

Let me know what you think of this, if I should continue, and if ya'll are still reading and enjoying this.

I love all of you who are still interested in this. I'm working on a few other stories. Who knows when I will be finished though.

Thanks to Nettie for sticking with me through this and for being so amazingly awesome.

Enjoy!

Elizabeth

I sit outside her house, letting the sounds of the ocean waves calm my anxious nerves.

I probably shouldn't have come here but I need to talk to her, even if it is the end. She needs closure so she can move on and I need to know she won't ever be mine again.

It's strange how things change in a year. Everything on the outside tells me Sarah MacKenzie has moved on without me but one look into those dark eyes tell me she is still in love with me despite all the hell I have put her through.

Which is why I am here now. It's now or never. Do or die. I have nothing to lose since she is already gone, right?

I'll just go in there and tell her how I feel. Then I will listen to what she has to say no matter what, like I should've done in the first place.

I get out of my car and walk towards her house. _I can do this. I can do this._

The wind blows through the window and into the curtains of an open window and as I get closer I hear laughter. _Damn, she has company_. It never occurred to me she might have company.

I'll come back another time, hopefully when she is home alone.

I turn and start to walk back to my car when I hear the turn of a doorknob and a man's voice. _A man's voice._

I turn towards the house and I see the man standing just outside the doorway, he's tall but shorter than me, he has black hair and freakishly blue eyes, and he is well built.

He looks like a cop and I suppose if you were into it that type of man, he would be attractive. I find him annoying already.

"I'm sorry, I was just leaving," I say to him and he smiles.

"Can I help you with something?" _Yes. He's a cop_.

"No, I must have the wrong house. I'll just be on my way." I turn and walk a few feet towards my car.

"You're Harm, aren't you?" he says and I stop where I am. I turn slowly back towards him.

I nod, "And you are…?"

"I'm Brad, a friend of Mac's."

"Just a friend?" _I can't help myself, what can I say? Curiosity?_

"I'm going to ignore that for now. I knew the reason she was acting weird lately was because the man who broke her heart had shown up. I didn't think you would actually come here though. Why did you?"

"I need to talk to her, face to face, not over a phone. We need to clear the air and I have some questions."

"You have questions? What about her? You really don't know what you have done to her, do you?" He asks shaking his head.

Who _is_ this son of a bitch? All I want to do is deck him_._

"Brad, who's here?" We both break our eyes away from each other and turn to look at her.

God she is beautiful. She's wearing a tank top that hugs her in all the right places and shorts that show off her long legs. She has her hair down and no shoes on, she has the cutest feet, and I am such a stupid man.

"Hey Mac." I hear myself say. I can never control myself when she is around.

"Harm," She nods her head at me, "I'm sorry but Brad and I are busy. C'mon Brad." She starts to turn back into the house but I can't let her get away, not now, not when I am this close.

"Sarah, wait!" I call out to her.

She turns her head and looks straight into my eyes, "No Harm, you had your chance. Goodbye."

My heart falls to the ground and I wouldn't be surprised if I were to look down and see Cupid hitting it with lead-headed arrows.

"Mac, please?" She just walks in without looking back.

Brad starts to walk after her but turns before he gets to the door.

"Why don't you again when she isn't so mad? I'm sure she would talk to you then. Try making an appointment with her." He smiles and walks inside.

Who the hell is this guy?

I know how Sarah MacKenzie is. I don't _need_ some punk telling me stuff like he knows her better than me.

**No one** knows her better than me.

Watch out Brad, because she's mine.


	8. Chapter 8

Send Her My Love Chapter 8

Disclaimer: See Chapter One

Author's Note: Thanks for all the feedback! Wow! You guys are the best! I'm so excited and thrilled that ya'll have stuck with this, it really means a lot.

I have had trouble with this, but I think I am back on track now so I should be finishing soon. It looks like there with be ten chapters, so two more to go!

Again thanks for all the feedback, ya'll are great!

Thanks Nettie, keep rockin' it girl!

Elizabeth

XxXxXxXxXxXx

XxXxXxXx

XxXxXx

XxXx

I walk back into my house, shaking from all the emotions running through me. Why did he have to come here?

I have finally just stopped seeing him everywhere I look and now one look at him in such a familiar setting has me remembering everything.

The fireplace. Where the light from the flames would dance across his skin after a night of passion and where we would sit and talk for hours.

The kitchen. Where I would sit on the counter while he cooked and taste spoonfuls of sauces and watch him at ease.

The bedroom. _Oh God_, the bedroom. Where I experienced Harmon Rabb the man. Where, after being sent to heaven and beyond, I would watch him sleep so peaceful and serene.

It's all too sudden and too late. It's overwhelming.

I walk out the backdoor and through my backyard to the hammock.

There's nothing like laying out under the big blue sky, the sun warming your skin and the sound of the ocean's waves to soothe every chaotic thought running through your head. I have spent a lot of time out here thinking about _him_.

I lounge out in the hammock and stare up at the immense cerulean sky. It's no surprise that it makes me think of him too. Will I ever be able to look at anything without thinking of him?

I close my eyes, take a couple of deep breaths, and listen to the world around me, the swells hitting the sand and rocks and the wind blowing through the trees and grass. Birds chirp and sing their songs threatening to drift me into a restful nap.

Why couldn't life be this simple? There are no worries, no problems out here in this hammock. I wish it were this easy elsewhere; then forgetting Harmon Rabb wouldn't seem impossible.

It becomes a problem when your heart starts fighting your brain, I would much rather listen to my brain then my heart. All my heart does is ache. Ache for him. Ache for me. Ache for us.

I hear Brad's footsteps in the grass as he approaches me. He's going to lay into me now and tell me how much he doesn't like Harm. I really don't want to hear it.

"Hey," I say to him when I hear the footsteps stop.

"Hey. You ok?"

"Yes, why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, for starters the man who broke your heart has suddenly turned up and wants you back."

"And?"

"And you're still in love with him."

"I am not! Those feelings left with him a year ago."

"Uh huh, then give me a chance. Go out with me."

"Brad…"

"If you don't have feelings for him anymore then you shouldn't have trouble moving on, with _me_."

"No, I can't."

"You can't? I don't understand. It takes him years to finally commit and then just before the wedding he leaves, just walks away. How can you give him so many chances and never give me one?"

"Two totally different situations and you know it."

"No, I don't."

"Then you wouldn't understand."

"I understand perfectly, Sarah. It's you who's confused. What I don't understand is how he could leave you? He's an idiot for leaving you and if I had it my way he would never get close to you again, never hurt you again."

"It's not your decision to make, Brad! I need to deal with this myself."

"I think you should. I also think that you should consider what could happen if you go back to him. You two need to talk, there's no doubting that. Just don't get caught up in Harmon Rabb, you may not survive it again."

"I'm a big girl; I can take care of myself."

"I know you can."

Silence stretches between us and fills the space around us. Neither one of us says anything.

I'm more confused now then when Harm was here.

I let my eyes close again and listen to the waves.

"Let me know what happens, Mac." Brad says and I hear his footsteps get further and further away.

He's gone now. Everyone's gone.

I'm alone again.

There's only one thing left to do now. Go see the devil himself, Harmon Rabb Jr.


	9. Chapter 9

Here it is, the next chapter. I know it's been forever since I posted last. The inspiration went out the window for a while then hit me the other night out of the blue.

Thanks to everyone who has stuck with this, you're all the best.

Thanks to Nettie for the beta and help. Without you this wouldn't have been possible.

One more to go..

Elizabeth

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It's been two weeks

It's been two weeks. Two weeks since I showed up at her house and she shut me out.

Two weeks since she shot me down to spend time with Brad.

I don't know what I expected, maybe to talk, certainly not for her to take me back. Well, not right away at least.

I keep thinking about that day. The day I changed everything.

I should have talked it through with her. I should have sucked it up because she was worth it and didn't deserve to wait any longer.

All of the 'should haves' won't bring her back to me, nothing will.

It should be getting easier, being without her; after all, it's been a year. But it keeps getting harder and harder and it's all I can think about, she's all I can think about.

Luckily, I haven't been swamped with cases so I have been around just in case she decides to show up. As unlikely as it is I sit here, waiting, praying.

I close the case file right before I hear a knock on my office door.

It must be Jada, the twenty-something college girl, who is taking over our office/secretary duties until a full time replacement can be found.

"Yes?" I say and a moment later she walks in.

"Mr. Rabb, there is a lady here to see you. She wasn't in your appointment book but you're free..so..."

"You can send her in Jada, thank you." She nods and walks out.

I wonder what this case is, probably another wife wanting to know if her husband has been cheating and wants me to catch him in the act.

Before I can contemplate another such case, the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and instantly I know it's her. Why would she have come here?

I turn away from the window and look towards where she stands.

She always looks so incredibly beautiful. Her hair is down and settles on her shoulders. My fingers itch to run through her silky locks.

"Hi," I say to her and motion for her to take a seat at one of the chairs in front of my desk.

"Hi," she replies as she watches me sit in the other chair. "I bet you are wondering why I am here."

"The thought had crossed my mine, yes. I didn't think you wanted to see me again," I say quietly.

"I didn't like the way things went and I thought we both could use some closure, so here I am." She doesn't look like she wants to do this and if it's closure she's after then I don't want her to do it either.

"I wasn't pleased with the way things went, but I understood. I only want you to be happy, Mac. That's the most important thing to me," I echo, my knee beginning to bounce nervously at the way the conversation is going.

"If that is the most important thing, then why did you leave?" she asks and the hurt and sadness is evident in her eyes. I know I put it there and it makes me feel worse.

"I already told you why, because I was-," I don't want to go through this again.

"I know what you said before, I didn't like the answer, not then and not now. I thought we were making progress. Talking and getting the communication process sorted between with us. If I had known what was going to happen, I would have just let you go to London, to save both of us heartache."

"You would've let me go to London and miss out on all the great times we had?" I ask incredulously. I know it ended badly but I never once regretted the time I spent with her and I didn't think she did either.

"Yes, because in the end you walked away. It was all for nothing, just wasted time. All of it has just been wasted time. What was stopping you in D.C. stopped you here; even I wasn't enough to change it. We aren't kids anymore, Harm. We have to grow up and take responsibility for our actions. What you do doesn't just affect you any more," she says with a detachment I know has taken practice.

"I know that. That's why I left. I know I should've talked to you, I wish I had. I can't take it back, but I would like to spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I love you; nothing's ever going to change that. I know it wasn't easy for you. I'm truly sorry for that. Please just give me a chance to prove myself to you. I know this can work, please." I am begging now and I know it, but I don't care. Mac is my life, I've always known it and I was stupid to ever think otherwise.

"That's what I came here for, Harm. I appreciate that you want things to be different, that you think there is a future for us. But the truth is I don't know if I have the strength to try any longer. I was such a mess when you left, I was sure I wouldn't survive. It took me a long time just to get to a state where I felt ready to move on and I had just done that when you show up out of the blue. I'm sorry; I just don't want to go back to that place, I don't want to live through it again.. I will love you forever, but I just can't do it."

"Mac, please! Don't walk away from this. We can make it work." I tug on her hand as she stands to leave. It doesn't have any effect and she walks to the door.

"Goodbye, Harm," she all but whispers and they are the saddest words I've ever heard. I'm sure my heart has shattered a little more as I watch her leave and it's then it dawns on me this is still only a small fraction of what she must have felt when I walked away from her. At least this time I knew there was a chance of this outcome, when I did it to her it was a bolt from the blue. As bad as I was feeling, I now feel so much worse. When did life get this hard?


End file.
